“Me? Attacked by a shark?” you mutter incredulously. “Never going to happen.” Until it does. Thank Mr. Murphy for that one – “If anything can go wrong, it will.” A question on the minds of many is how to survive the unlikely (but possible) scenario of an attack by these carnivores. Imagine that you, along with your loved ones and assets, are floating in a sea of green.

Everything looks rosy until your buoyancy aid (or bubble) bursts and you suddenly find that shark insurance premium you purchased all those years ago (including one to last you into old age) has become worthless overnight. Neighbours languishing in this lagoon have had varying luck. Depending on what class they were checked into originally onboard the Fin Fails, some have been fed to the fishes long before, a particularly cruel fate for such travellers, disabled from reaching the lifeboats. Others have encountered some rather fishy pay increases to match their fare rise or enjoy the formidable figure of an unsinkable short-sighted whale. Visions of jet-skis (which are significantly more fuel consuming than a Ryanair flight I might add) are not uncommon. One sailor has even been lucky enough to procure an amphibious vehicle (it must be the sea faring version of a golden parachute with additional seating for lucky colleagues), thus fending off the sharks - at least for now.

Everything is at stake, from welfare to food supply (dairy, grain or catch of the slain), very nearly been sent to the bottom by careless captains. How to avoid a fate similar to the less fortunate in the shoal? It will be difficult, particularly as these sharks enjoy snipping away ever so gradually at your most likeable parts, though they’ll hit the Budget before the Bridge.  

It is paramount to keep your eye on the shark at all times for they often seemingly withdraw only to sneak back up on you soon after. Playing dead in the hopes the predator will go away is foolhardy, and besides, your state neglected lungs may give out in the meantime. Uncoordinated beating of the beast on the snout is a common misconception, more akin to cutting off your nose to spite your face. Rather strike at the gills or eyes (the nerve centre of any shark), preferably with some form of implement, even if all you have is a placard.

We are in unchartered waters and the way forward is unclear. A healthy dose of free information along with bidding one’s time in favour of a wise vote may yet prevent a call to abandon ship. A little water is a sea to an ant, but size isn't everything. The whale is endangered while the ant continues to do just fine.

If all else fails, there’s always swine flu. Who knows, maybe it will sink any pirates in the Leinster Aquarium.