(September 2009)

Addicted to Virtual Sex

Addiction is often displayed as a badge of honour in the world of celebrity, where you are ‘nothing’ unless you’ve enjoyed a stint in rehab. The purported opening of the Priory in Moyglare Manor, Co. Kildare, later this year, will net its founders likely in excess of €4000 per week per resident, a price well beyond the reach of most Irish citizens. Celebrities such as Lindsay Lohan and Amy Winehouse are painted in the media as being proud of their addictions, and whether this is true or not, clearly nobody is immune from addiction. David Duchovny, Russell Brand, Rob Lowe, Charlie Sheen, Michael Douglas and Woody Harrelson have all allegedly undergone treatment for or been linked to sex addiction. Serial killer Ted Bundy revealed the brutal impact pornography had on his mind in an infamous death row interview. We often experience what is known as ‘schadenfreude’ (taking pleasure in the misfortune of others), when we see a celebrity fall from grace. However, many of us fail to realise that addiction, and more specifically sex and pornography addiction, stalk and afflict the general Irish population also.

Ireland is overshadowed by this scourge, be it alcohol, gambling or drug abuse. Sexual and pornography addictions receive little attention however, given the stigma and general lack of awareness surrounding the area. ‘Sexual addiction’ can be seen as a continuing loss of control of sexual behaviour, despite negative life consequences. The latter can include irreparable damage to relationships, family life and careers, degradation of women, legal and financial issues and health consequences such as depression and drug abuse.

As the internet revels in its maturity, it has eroded the normal social sanctions that exist in real life. Pornography availability is no longer the remit of the top shelf in the local shop or video store and is now freely accessible online. Subscription to pornographic websites is often unnecessary, as many of the sites provide a multitude of adult videos and pictures for free, just a short number of clicks away from the search engine Google. A spiral in the number of adult dating websites is also contributing to this growing problem, providing another gateway to risk taking and relationship breakdown by facilitating real life sexual encounters.

Austin Prior, head of treatment services at the Rutland Addiction Centre in Dublin, maintains addicts experience a climate of exclusion similar to that of alcoholics 30 years ago. He feels it has not yet emerged as a true epidemic in Ireland, but a definite upwards trend is evident. Both addictions are often thought of as a stereotypically male problem, as indeed the list of celebrities above demonstrates. Declan Fitzpatrick, Director of Counselling and Project Development at the Centre for Sexual Addictions (CSA) in Dublin, highlights that the majority of clients presenting are male and range in age from 25-45, but by no means are women invulnerable to this blight. No official statistics exist for Ireland, but some experts estimate rates of 8% for males and 3% for females. Sex Addicts Anonymous lists close to four million British men and women sufferers. Others estimate that 3-6% of a given population could be addicted and at least 10% of online users.

Almost anything can be found on this virtual highway, thus bringing both the joy of global communication and the despair of an insatiable appetite to hundreds of millions. Mr. Prior stresses pornography is a major catalyst for addiction, and that the disconnected, compulsive and impersonal actions the internet allows are paramount in establishing it. Mr. Fitzpatrick goes further, maintaining that the pornography industry literally propelled the internet from its infancy into a global phenomenon.

Pornography and sex addiction treatment requires a slightly different approach to most other addictions. Mr. Fitzpatrick likens it to “trying to push doors open but not beat them down.” He argues that addictive behaviour will always find an expression and that often a personal crisis will bring individuals forward. Daily life in most western societies however is in conflict with this. It reassures people that promiscuity and pornography use is consequence free.

A constant bombardment of graphic and often sexually charged advertisements, whether online or on a billboard, is a reality. The same can be said to apply to television, movies and games. Well known department stores now stock raunchy clothes aimed at children as young as eight years old. The western lifestyle promotes damaging values and is critical in activating what are known as ‘triggers’, certain stimuli that push the addict to relapse.

Mr. Prior outlines that clients rarely present with a single addiction. For instance, some receiving treatment for cocaine addiction will have ‘acted out’ in other ways (often sexually) - a compulsion to express conscious or subconscious emotions through self-destructive actions.

A gradual realisation can take place, which can be a precarious process, as one addiction may replace another. The individual may feel empty after engaging in addictive behaviour and looks to quit his or her habit, resulting in feelings of shame, guilt and hopelessness, restarting the cycle of addiction all over again. Engaging with these issues on a daily basis can take its toll on the counsellors, particularly in the form of stress, and they are safeguarded through access to independent counsellors themselves, as well as a balance in the number of cases of this nature any one counsellor can deal with.

The potential for online criminal activity by otherwise law-abiding citizens continuously generates controversy in Irish society. Mr. Prior sees it as a different issue – “Of course in sexual addiction there may be an element of criminality, but not all sex addicts become criminals. Likewise, those engaged in offences such as rape and paedophilia, whose actions may have been influenced by pornography exposure, are not necessarily sex or pornography addicts.”

Mr. Fitzpatrick explains that normally, addiction is an attempt to escape emotional pain, “a pursuit of pleasure and self-comforting behaviour,” and while the focus may change, addiction is addiction. He maintains it can be best likened to food disorders in that the individual needs to learn to establish a healthy relationship, given it is not possible to avoid food, unlike an alcoholic avoiding alcohol. The ultimate aim is that “given we are all sexual beings, learning to develop a different, less destructive relationship with our sexual self is the way forward.”

This is a view John Smith, a psychotherapist and addiction counsellor with Booterstown Counselling and Psychotherapy in Dublin, echoes. He engages with clients to control their use of the internet, curb sex addiction and withstand withdrawal in an attempt to break the cycle. The support of partners and relatives is vital, with Mr. Smith generally advocating to bring a partner in at some stage. This can be beneficial to both parties by nurturing an atmosphere of trust and safety, which can be vital to maintaining long-term recovery.

He elaborates that success depends on motivation, engagement with therapy and attendance at 12 steps support groups to make the necessary changes. As regards cost, those with private insurance will generally be covered to some extent. The Rutland Centre for example charges €11,500 for their 5 week residential programme, with limited places available for medical card holders (who should contact the HSE first to secure funding). Individual therapists vary on pricing, generally from €70/hour upwards.

Two specific fellowships are available in Ireland, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous and Sexaholics Anonymous. The CSA lists therapists on its website and group meetings, with 6-8 individuals and two facilitators present, are an option. Attendance is granted through referral, although the centre is also open to enquiry from individuals on a case-by-case basis. While based in Dublin, these meetings have been carried out in different counties. Half-day information sessions are also available. Individual therapy has been well established and the CSA is looking to expand their group meetings in the coming year.

We can take solace in that services continue to emerge in spite of the economic downturn. An immense and overpowering sense of shame and fear of being judged are the main factors holding those wishing to recover back, and Mr. Prior highlights that “if someone does recognise they are experiencing problems around sexual addiction, there are organisations which understand. They will listen without laughter or judging.”

For more information, contact:

www.rutlandcentre.ie 01-4946358

www.csa-addictions.ie Declan Fitzpatrick, m.i.a.c.p. Dir. of Counselling and Project Development, Centre for Sexual Addictions, 087-6858854

www.booterstowncounselling.com  01-2605751

Case-Studies

Mac*

Originating from a rural setting, 55 year old Mac maintains his addiction arose between the ages of 19 and 22. Coinciding with a move to an urban area, it provided a readily available supply of pornography – “What began as curiosity soon became an obsession and then compulsion and eventually addiction.” Addicted for much of his adult life, he also suffers from alcohol and anger addiction, and never found counselling and similar resources effective at the outset. Having maintained alcohol sobriety since 1984 and at the milestone where his recovery is a way of living rather than a workload, he now experiences a level of peace he previously thought impossible.

He champions the forum based website, www.no-porn.com, which allows both addicts and their partners to discuss the addiction. He cites one of the greatest difficulties was overcoming the social stigma, and believes the annoyminity the website offered allowed him to truly begin the recovery process. Drawing a contrast to alcoholics, he highlights that “they will be embraced and offered empathy … with pornography and masturbation addiction, maybe only lepers were looked down on with such ugly intensity.”

 Despite at one stage considering self-harm and suicide, he is crystal clear on his lowest point. He had rented a pornographic video to watch in secret, while unbeknownst to him, his wife was lying in accident and emergency. “Looking into her eyes, which were filled with tears … asking me ‘where were you?’ and I lied to her. That was the lowest moment in my life. That ignited the spark that became recovery.”

His advice to other addicts is to take a sincere look in the mirror. Recovery can be reached only if you give up your secrets.

John*

49 year old John has been free of pornography for nearly 250 days, a feat which has taken 15 years to achieve. He does not feel immune, but rather fortunate that he has reached a point mentally where he can recognise and avoid the thought patterns that lead back to addiction. Despite having spent close to €18,000 on recovery, he feels it is a worthwhile trade, declaring that his empathy, patience and ability to connect with others have all improved.

He argues that society lies to its citizens – “Porn is no more necessary than arsenic pie. Sex isn’t a basic need, and that one will shock a lot of people. It may be a drive, but no one dies because they don’t get a sexual release.” He maintains that external help is the only path out of addiction – “You have to be willing to reach out and grab the rope that is thrown to you and struggle with all your might to get out. You have to be willing to re-write your belief system.” He cautions that a mistake many make is that freedom requires religious conviction. That it may aid some, but it is not a necessity, rather determination, dedication and expertise bring escape from addiction.

Brendan*

32 year old Brendan, a married man and father of one, contacted the CSA for therapy having been confronted by his wife over his use of pornography. Brendan admitted that he was watching online pornography whilst claiming to be working in the evenings and owned up to visiting several prostitutes over the past few months, spending money they could ill-afford. Brendan was quite distressed when coming to therapy, feeling deeply ashamed of his behaviour and believing that his marriage was at risk.

“I felt like my life had ended. I couldn’t believe the mess I had got myself into. In a way, having that conversation with my wife brought the reality home to me. I would watch pornography, often into the early hours of the morning while my wife went to bed alone and pretend I had some urgent work to do. And each time after I’d finished I’d promise myself I wouldn’t do it again – but I’d be at it again the following night,” said Brendan “The worst was when I’d go to a prostitute. I’d be excited and on a high beforehand, not able to think straight or even think about how my wife would feel. And afterwards I’d be filled with guilt and remorse. I even considered suicide once.”

“I felt there was something wrong with me, like I was dirty or evil or something. I very nearly didn’t go through with the appointment to meet the therapist. Thankfully I did and it was great to finally talk to someone about it. I felt like the therapist understood, you know, that I didn’t want to be doing these things but just couldn’t stop. It was a relief to finally be able to get it all off my chest and I began to understand the addiction myself and get some relief from it. I learnt that the secrecy was a huge part of the problem and thankfully my wife was very supportive though I know I hurt her dreadfully. After a couple of months she came along to therapy with me and it really helped our relationship.”

Brendan continued in one-to-one therapy for some months before joining group therapy, facilitated by therapists from the CSA and continues to make good progress.

“The group has been a huge help to me. It was great to meet other people, ordinary people just like me, who had the same story to tell. I got great support and help from people in the group and I really believe the whole process of therapy saved me from getting totally out of control and ending up who knows where”

*names changed